i need something to take my mind off things off thinking off thinking of things to think of need something to keep me preoccupied with other things instead which are not the things that i am currently thinking i need something that is anything other than the pointless roundabout thoughts that are in my tiresome head occupying headspace

i said that to him once, ‘you are taking up headspace’ and he answered, ‘can i rent indefinitely?’ and there wasn’t anything i can say to that although there should have been an answer to that, any thinking person would say ‘no’ to that, and i am a thinking person

because the thoughts are threatening the thoughts are traitorous the thoughts betray and negate and belittle and scoff at rationality reason and practicality and thoughts like that should never be thought or if they are they should be squashed smashed stamped out of existence and back into the nothingness where they came from not to be remembered forever and ever

he said that to me once, ‘forever and ever’, although i was too polite to point out that we weren’t little children, and that for adults ‘forever’ sometimes meant ‘an indefinite, albeit long, period of time’, and that i knew this was one of those times

but they won’t go away and they won’t let me sleep and they are stubborn and stay stuck and buzz around the endless empty rooms of my head which is preparing to sleep but reluctant to let go of waking hours even though it knows that another night slept means another day over and another day over is another day closer to

…

nothing there are no words after that because there is nothing to look forward to and maybe that is why the thoughts won’t go away because they know what comes after (nothing) and they are there to comfort and not to taunt they are there to remind of other things aside from the nothing that they know lies ahead and so they will not go away and this entry will never end

of course when i say ‘never’ i mean it in the most mature adult sense, which is to say i lied

it ends now