i need something to take my mind off things off thinking off thinking of things to think of need something to keep me preoccupied with other things instead which are not the things that i am currently thinking i need something that is anything other than the pointless roundabout thoughts that are in my tiresome head occupying headspace

i said that to him once, ‘you are taking up headspace’ and he answered, ‘can i rent indefinitely?’ and there wasn’t anything i can say to that although there should have been an answer to that, any thinking person would say ‘no’ to that, and i am a thinking person

because the thoughts are threatening the thoughts are traitorous the thoughts betray and negate and belittle and scoff at rationality reason and practicality and thoughts like that should never be thought or if they are they should be squashed smashed stamped out of existence and back into the nothingness where they came from not to be remembered forever and ever

he said that to me once, ‘forever and ever’, although i was too polite to point out that we weren’t little children, and that for adults ‘forever’ sometimes meant ‘an indefinite, albeit long, period of time’, and that i knew this was one of those times

but they won’t go away and they won’t let me sleep and they are stubborn and stay stuck and buzz around the endless empty rooms of my head which is preparing to sleep but reluctant to let go of waking hours even though it knows that another night slept means another day over and another day over is another day closer to

…

nothing there are no words after that because there is nothing to look forward to and maybe that is why the thoughts won’t go away because they know what comes after (nothing) and they are there to comfort and not to taunt they are there to remind of other things aside from the nothing that they know lies ahead and so they will not go away and this entry will never end

of course when i say ‘never’ i mean it in the most mature adult sense, which is to say i lied

it ends now

Quell.  That’s a good word.  It’s not commonly used and it sounds unusual.  It starts with a ‘k’ sound so it’s not that nice sounding, but it does end with an ‘ell’ sound, so that saves it I guess.

Suppress.  That sounds even better.  It’s a bit more common, although still not widely used.  You’d maybe find it in journalistic prose, like newspaper stories or new shows, but not in normal everyday conversation.  But the sound of the word is nice, with all those sibilants.  The ‘p’ in the middle is the hardest sounding letter in the bunch, but that’s about it.

Pacify.  The second word sounds better, but this one isn’t so bad either.  The ‘c’ in the middle is soft sounding, and the word is still feminine overall.  It’s another uncommon word, not entirely formal, but it’s more of a ‘discussion’ word rather than a ‘conversation’ word.

Check.  This is one is short and to the point.  Curt.  It’s not pleasant sounding either.  This word exists just to get the job done.  I would even suggest that it’s a bit onometopoeic in that it’s more like a sound for something, the action of ticking something off, than an actual word.  Although that’s not true of course.

Subdue.  This word is… ordinary.  It fades into the background of other words, which makes it completely suitable for what it means I guess.  It’s not an ugly sounding word, but it’s not particularly pretty either.  It’s neutral in terms of sound.

Stem.  This is another feminine sounding word.  It suggests something long and elegant, because of the imagery of the word as a noun of course.  As a verb, I think it’s a softer way of saying ‘to cut’.  More like a gentle action with some sharp clippers rather than with a hacking motion using a dull knife.

Hey I…

NOPE

But he…

NOPE

Even if… ?

NO

Or if…

UH-UH

What if… ?

NOT EVEN

But I… !

NO YOU DON’T

I might…

NO YOU WON’T

You’re right.

YES I AM

Ok.

GOOD

Thank you.

YOU’RE WELCOME

Death will come to you in sleep

Fall upon you in the dark

Take you while you slumber deep

Gently as it eats your heart

-

Death will come to you in sleep

Enfold you in its cold embrace

With freezing hands caress your cheek

Tracing tear stains down your face

-

Death will come to you in sleep

Tear your flesh and soul apart

It’s whisper soft, it’s message sweet

Forever stillness, forever dark

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because I feel ignored when we speak.  Even when you are talking to me, it is as if you are not talking to me at all, but at a sounding board.  I may as well be an inanimate doll.  I may as well not be there.  If I can program a mannequin to nod and say yes every so often, then put it in front you, you wouldn’t even know the difference.

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because I need to have my opinions acknowledged every so often.  I have thoughts myself, and even though I am open to the idea of listening to yours, I think mine should also be listened to every now and then.

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because I realized my own importance.  I matter.  Not just you.

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because even though you sometimes do let me get a word in edgewise, you would go off on your own tangent afterwards, as if I never said anything at all.

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because you always start our conversations asking about how I am, and I always take that questions seriously, but you never do, it’s just a conversation opener with you.  I know it’s nerdy to think over that question every time, and not consider it as the socially accepted formality that it is, but I can’t help it, I need to be asked, and I need to tell.

I have decided not to speak to you anymore because even though I know all these things, and think all these things, and feel the way that I do about them, I know that I am still going to speak to you when you ask me, and for that reason, I really really really have to not speak to you anymore.

She had been seeing this small blurred shape out of the corner of her left eye since this morning, and she had been rubbing at it absently to make it go away. She thought it was some leftover “morning glory” since she woke up this morning. She has no idea how some of those can still sometimes stay all day on a person’s eyes even after a hot shower and vigorous scrubbing and furious blinking and other such eye debris extraction techniques, but knew that these things happen sometimes.

Anyway, it was noon already, and it was still there, and by this time she was annoyed to the point of going to the bathroom and trying to wash her face to see if it would go away.

She went in, glad that she had the entire bathroom all to herself and looked at her face in the mirror, concentrating on her left eye. There was nothing there. But she could see something, and by now she was getting a teensy bit scared that it might be something inside her eye, something that would require a lot more than just an afternoon facial wash.

She decided to concentrate her vision inwardly, trying to make the blurry something come into focus. She was surprised when it did. At first it had blurry edges, but as she tried harder, the thing formed a shape, and it was familiar enough to not be very scary. It was a tiny black triangle, pointing downwards.

What the hell is this thing, she thought nervously, not even trying to pick at it with her fingers, knowing it wouldn’t do any good. The shape was too… vectorized. The shape had bezelled edges, one pixel all round, and as she stared at it (well, at least focused on it as much as she can), it glinted in that shiny shiny web 2.0 way that she knew all too well. Her mind translated such a perfectly anti-aliased shape as this as one usually seen on a computer monitor.

She closed her eyes tightly, testing to see if it would go away. When she opened her eyes, the tiny triangle was still there, only now it wasn’t as blurred as before, and it was easier to focus on it, now that she knows it’s there.

By now she was getting really scared, thoughts of Lasik and eye surgery and doctors and masks (and Oh God, I’m going to look like a pirate) going through her mind. She tried to calm down.

After blinking several times and determining for sure that the thing would not go away no matter how much she did this, she tried to

What happens next time is she finds out somehow that if she blinks once and thinks the word ’search’ right after, and then thinks of something she wants to search for, her mind fills up with the best possible website on that subject from Google’s “I’m feeling lucky” button. She learns that she has to be very specific in what she is ’searching’ for, otherwise some of the results can get pretty scary.

Ending is probably her being relegated to a mental institution, amused forever by the built in search engine and browser in her head.

is upon us

dark hooded cloaks and hidden faces
thin wispy smoke in foggy places
evil toothy grins and yellow eyes

I WANT TO RUN OUTSIDE AND SCREAM, NO SHRIEK, A NEVER ENDING CATERWAUL OF DESPAIR BECAUSE FOR A WHILE THERE I FORGOT, I FORGOT HOW MUCH THIS AFFECTS ME, HOW MUCH THIS MAKES ME FEEL, THE ~PASSION~ OF WORDS, THE BEAUTY OF SENTIMENT, THE DEPTH OF PATHOS, DELICIOUS EMOTIONS THAT ROIL AND LANGUISH AND ~FLOURISH~ IN MY STILL-BUT-BEATING HEART

time?
oh didn’t you hear?
it died.

what?
oh, murder i think.
i don’t know, stabbed or shot or some such thing.
don’t bother me.
i’m just sitting here.

what *now*?
nothing, just sitting.
and what is that supposed to mean?
i’m just sitting here!
i didn’t do anything
i was just sitting here and it died

go ‘way

Today is a happy day for me for I have forgotten the song that you planted in my head before during all the madness of that time the wildness that was us the improbability

–

She didn’t think it would work. She had never cursed anyone before, had never cast a spell before, and she honestly didn’t think it would work.

–

THIS IS IT (Death said). She looked around. Things looked the same to her. She knew she was dead, but this didn’t feel like death to her. Everything was the same as she had left it. It was boring. Then she realized that this was her hell. An eternity of things staying exactly the same.